Seriously? You think my wife would like THAT?

So I'm a man of the new millennium. I know how to use the Internet. So on black Friday, why now let the world wide web show me what's the best gift for my wife this year?

I'm educated enough to know her likes and dislikes, and I've memorized all of her sizes (guys, if you don't ask you're just setting yourself up for failure .. at the very least, peek in her closet while she's at work and write em down). Surely the cyber world must have some fresh ideas for me, right?

Step 1. Google the phrase "Gifts for my wife" and see what comes up. Keeping it simple, right? By the way, if you've never tried googling the most mundane question you can think of, this might be your time to experiment (although I don't recommend asking "why doesn't anyone like me?" unless you have plenty of time to cry on the keyboard.)

Step 2. Survey the google results and click on the first one -- gifts.com. It gives me a list of the "top 10 women's' gifts" this year. Perfect! This is gonna be easier than I thought! Here's what the list suggests:

• Gift #1: $65 Forget-Me-Knot ring. Excuse me? That's the hottest gift for the estrogen in my life this year? From the picture, I can't even tell which way it goes on her finger!


• Gift #2: $35 "Sweet Dreams Hottie & Silk Eye Mask". OK ... Can I just say that giving my wife a mask to wear while she sleeps and a hot water bottle to hold would probably get both of them inserted somewhere I don't want them on X-mas morning.


• Gift #3: $26 "Little Miss Trouble T-shirt" Umm .. yeah, right. Time to hit "back" on my browser and pretend I was never here.

Step 3. Look at the google results again and click on a link for Yahoo answers. You'll see that another husband has posted this same gift question hoping for real women to give him real advice. Genius! Surely there's great ideas here because after all these are actual women giving advice.

• Answer #1: Gift Certificate for a romantic date night.


• Answer #2: Gift Certificate for a professional massage, facial, or salon visit.


• Answer #3: Gift Certificate to her favorite spa or salon. (I'm sensing a theme here)


• Answer #4: Ask her. (now THAT'S original).


• Answer #5: A man weighs in with advice that as a hubby, you should visit Victoria Secret and frequent the bath section for special skin products .. and that his favorite is something with a "bath smell scent." (Can I just say that if you DO go to VS, you must buy your wife some lingerie .. because she will NEVER believe that you spent all that time in the love palace and didn't at least browse the skimpy, lacy stuff on the racks.)


• Answers #6-10: Diamonds, sky-diving lessons, jewelry with her birthstones, a DVD set of her favorite TV show, and my favorite: "take all your clothes off and put on a bow tie while telling your wife 'Merry X-mas! I'm the best thing in your life.'" Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh right! Not sure any of those will be easy to wrap, but okayyyyyyyyyy.

At this point, I realize that these women are no help .. Time to hit the back button again and see if at least one of the google selections provides some guidance.

Step 4. Before giving up, sort through the other links and discard the ones that offer generic feedback from women like the link above and also bypass the gluttony of sites linked to bedroom "accessories." Scroll down to the link for poetrygift.com which is described as a site with unique and tangible gifts. OK, now we're getting somewhere.

The site's top gift is a $59 personalized picture frame with a poem in it that also plays music. Not bad. Thoughtful. Memorable. Shows planning and effort. Now we're getting somewhere. This might actually work!

OK .. here's a few of the your music choices: "God Bless America", "That's What Friends Are For", "Unchained Melody", "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling", "Wind Beneath My Wings", and "Wish You A Merry Christmas."

Well, I guess those aren't really that bad, but they won't really knock her socks off either. Can't see how a special poem about the love of my life will be any good with "Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing. It might as well be playing a melody of "my husband loves me but spent way too much money on this crappy frame". Hello June garage sale!

The site also doesn't let you upload your own music for the picture frame ... so while it's a good idea I'm not sold enough to close the deal.

Step 5. Think real hard as to what you bought her last year. Wait five minutes and when you can't remember, it's time to move on. Although, I could probably google "what did I buy my wife for Christmas last year" if I really feel like it.

Step 6. Close your browser and play it safe by returning to newspaper ads like the other husbands out there. Realize that sticking to the basic philosophy of odd years: jewelry / even years: new purse is always safe. Also, a single gift certificate is thoughtful, but multiple CGs means you're lazy.

Step 7. Suddenly THE gift comes to mind! It's perfect! All I had to do was waste 30 minutes surfing the web.

To be continued Christmas morning .. Eric